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I attended college after graduating from high school to improve my skills and to increase my work opportunities. I desired a career that would be rewarding. I wanted to do something which added meaning to my existence. Reflecting back on my college experiences while studying at the undergraduate level was spiritual and challenging. I often felt many times, that my intelligence was inferior and that I was incapable of learning. My personal feelings about my intelligence were not due to my racial identity but due to my lack of preparation of high school study. Fear of mathematics, writing essays, analysing specimens under a microscope influence my capabilities and it deterred me from challenging my weaknesses.
Often, I questioned my abilities "am I college material"? Throughout high school, my perception of myself was negative and distorted. While studying, I decided to take lower level classes because I didn't like experiencing discomfort and failure. I was only a mediocre learner, not popular, not genius, but just like everyone else "simple". Making easy grades satisfied my inner being for that moment, but fear of the unknown or future failure created daily anxiety of wondering again "Am I college material, or am I'm not"? I have been raised in a working middle class family, and education was instilled in defining success. Popularity was really not my interest but 'fitting in' is what I craved the most. I wanted validation from my teachers and admiration of being known as" the smart kid" from my peers. That is what I longed for and was too fearful to strive for. My biggest obstacle in high school occurred when I had to make a choice in the tenth grade between taking college preparation courses or studying at the vocational level. Receiving poor math grades, placed doubt in my mind as to whether I was capable of doing college level work.
By taking easy classes, I was successful. That easy level of studying became my rock. It was my plan to avoid experiencing academic setbacks, failures and anxiety. I declined to study at the pre-college level, but I still longed to attend college. After taking the SAT and the ACT, later that year, I finally answer the one question that I asked myself throughout high school; "am I college material"? "No, I'm not"? Receiving a fairly low score on those tests created an internal struggle on my esteem and abilities. Who is to blame for this? What happened? Was it my parents' fault for having professional careers or for not sending me to a private school years before I got to this level, or was it the teachers' fault for not noticing behaviour changes in me? Who is the blame for my shortcomings? Thoughts race in my head; I asked myself, "How could I ever improve my weaknesses in learning?" "Am I'm destine to fail? I couldn't project blame onto my parents, I blamed myself for not taking the appropriate steps to prepare me for a higher level of study and for not allowing my "inner being" to experience a little discomfort. Stupid, incapable of learning is how I perceived my self.
My motivation didn't improve until after I attended my older brother's college graduation. My brother Bobby said to me on his graduation day, "It's your turn sis". I was afraid. "What did he mean that it was my turn? I knew then that I had to prove something to my family and to myself. "Am I capable of dealing with unexpected disappointments or future failures? And, "am I ready for that type of discomfort at such a higher level of studying?" Finally, I decided that in my senior year of high school, I would accept the challenge and try to endure some academic discomfort. For the first time in my academic career, my goal was to attend college even with receiving poor standardised test scores. From that moment on in my senior year, I started preparing myself for future study. I purchased a SAT study book and learn how to work out each mathematical equation and word analogy. I knew that if I wanted to attend college I had to improve my test score on those tests. I started preparing myself for those tests by studying the SAT preparation materials and finally I retook the exams. After a few months, I decided to take the ACT instead of the SAT; (I was afraid of gambling again) and I knew that the ACT didn't penalise students heavily for marking wrong answers. I made a higher score on that test due to recognition and familiarisation with the wording of the questions.
After receiving my final score, I completed numerous college applications, and prepared myself for receiving college rejection. All of the applications were to universities in my state (Georgia) and I hope that someone would consider my test score and review my high-grade calculation (Grade Point Average) to allow me entrance. To prepare myself for college rejection letters, I stood in front of my bedroom mirror and begun "positive self-talk". By doing so, I was able to handle letters of rejection without becoming too emotional upset or disappointed. Although it was pretentious, in my mind, I felt that this form of thinking would help me become overly optimistic and just maybe--some recruiter would telephone me and grant me an interview.
I started receiving feedback mostly through telephone communication from college admission's directors or counsellors. Yes, I did receive rejections letters, and I was told to consider taking remedial courses at my local college before reapplying for university. However, I did get positive feedback from a few schools. I was told that I would have to take a college examination with the possibility of being placed in remedial classes only if the results of the college admission tests revealed that my level was low. I was afraid and rejected those options. In all honestly, I didn't know what I was really afraid of. I could not decide whether I feared taking another test or was more fearful of attending a big college away from my parents.
After receiving a telephone call from a private Christian college admission's director, I've agreed to meet with him. He arrived at my high school during lunchtime, and we talked in the guidance office. Then, he reviewed my transcripts and interviewed me as to determine if I was credible and capable of performing on college level. After a lengthy interview, he thanked me for my time and told me that I would receive a decision in a few weeks. After a few weeks, I was very much surprised to receive a call back. When my mother called for me to answer the telephone, she said that it was the admission's director of Brewton-Parker College and that he wanted to talk to me. I was afraid when I picked up the telephone because I knew it would be another rejection. I just knew he was going to thank me for my time for attending his interview and move on to a more acceptable/intelligent student. However, the admission's director told me that I handled myself well in the interview and that he believed that I was capable of proving that I could do college level work. He told me that I would still need to take the college entrance examination, so they could determine my true level of achievement and would be able to place me on the appropriate courses. Finally, he offered me a place at his college, and later I received the official acceptance in writing. I became so emotional and was unable to control my tears; I knew then that I would have a lot of hard work ahead of me.
After graduating from high school, I worked the entire summer and saved most of my money for materials for college. Upon arriving to the college, my parents helped me carry my things into the dormitory room. As I entered my new room and met the campus housing director and students, I became more terrified. My parents and I was assured that my transition would be smooth, and that I would have a support system from faculty, so that if I start experiencing depression/anxiety or complications with being away from home that someone would be available for assistance. After my parents drove off, I felt alone and wanted to return home. Thoughts race in my mind again, "WHAT IS MY FUTURE"? And "WHAT AM I DOING HERE"? I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, or myself, so I decided to stop negative self-thoughts and focus on my purpose, which was try and discover who I am and what defines me.