While anticipating the start of my classes, my first four classes, were remedial study/developmental courses. During those times, I had such poor self-esteem so I visited the campus student counselling services for help. I started disclosing my fears of failure and discomfort of studying with a college counsellor, and she provided me with a few options: she encouraged me not to give up but to consider participating in a mentor program I had to re-evaluate my studying habits by taking a college foundations course. A college foundation course was offered for all freshman students and its purpose was to develop student’s skills in studying, note-taking and listening skills. During my session, I was never forced to attend but to take advantage of the available resources which enables one to deal with the demands of college life. From that moment, I needed some relief, so I telephoned home to talk to my parents about my fears of studying at a higher level. When I spoke to mother, I could hear the disappointment in her voice. She said, “Heather you haven’t been there a year yet, did you really think that college was going to be easy? So if you leave where do you plan to work and live? And, do you realise that without education you are placing yourself in bad position in not being able to experience a career that is meaningful? What do you plan to do? Come home and work like a dog for very little pay, or try to endure it and be rewarded in the end with the option of picking your career?” After talking to my mother, I knew I had to prove that I was capable of succeeding but still was fearful of failing I engaged in positive self-talk by trying not to become fixated on my inability in believing that I could obtain a college degree. As a freshman I was required to attend events specifically for new students, while listening to graduating seniors verbalise their experiences of participating in a Mentor programme, I wanted very much to be active and have a more experienced woman advisor that could guide me. I decided to sign up for the mentor program. Mrs. Weaver became my mentor. She was a licensed counsellor that taught study skills, career development and provided support for students. When she introduced herself to me, I was afraid.
I didn’t know whether I should disclose all of my fears onto her in the first meeting, so I resisted. As our relationship grew, Mrs. Weaver provided me with encouragement and offered her advice only when I wanted assistance. My freshman year was the most intensive part of my academic career and I still lack self-confidence. I decided to go see Mrs. Weaver in her office for a chat, as I approached her, I started crying and tears fell down my face I told her that college was too complicated and that I wasn't capable of learning. She responded by calming me down first, and she listened as I talked about my fears of completing college. She took out her book showed me a picture of a woman, named Bethune Cookman. From that moment, we talked about the struggles of learning. Additionally, she provided options on ways I could improve my self-esteem and attitude. When I left her office, I took away the insight of learning that my hard work would eventually pay off.
Throughout my freshman year, I started developing friendships as another source of support. By becoming proactive on campus, I didn’t have time to reflect on negativity of self or performance. Often, I was able to have a break from college work, which I and other students were obligated to attend weekly chapel on Tuesday mornings. Chapel speakers provided me with “spiritual food” that always presented a message. I needed to be reassured that I wasn’t alone. Overall, the inspirational messages were valuable in teaching me how to embrace academic failures, setbacks and disappointments. I didn’t begin college courses until later that spring. The day finally arrived when I started my first college courses during the end of my freshman year. I attended summer school so that I could not extend my academic years of completing a degree. I took College algebra, Renaissance history, and English 101. For the most part, I managed to earn fairly good grades with the exception of math.
My mathematical professor’s name was professor Rich, and he tried to help me gain an understanding of the course by providing additional tutoring in the mornings before he started his teaching lectures. However, I still struggled with understanding the principles of how to correctly calculate the equations. Often, I’ve shared my lack of confidence with him, and he encouraged me to not give up but to continue on in the class. Overall, my test results reflected a poor result. I couldn’t understand why I was so stupid, and I became angry because of what I did to myself by not trying harder in high school, and now I was experiencing the consequences of "making a poor choice". After failing college algebra, I’ve decided to attend summer school. I retook college algebra and took other courses. My confidence started to improve after I received my performance results on all of examinations. I passed all of my courses and as for College algebra I’ve earned a C. What I’ve learnt by retaking it is that often I made minor errors in calculating figures, and it resulted in wrong answers. As I completed my core classes and begun my major courses, I decided to become a psychology major. I was inspired by the words of wisdom from my psychology professors. During my first general psychology course, I had the opportunity of having a witty, insightful professor named professor Rhoades.
Professor Rhoades was my 'stress reliever and stress developer'. Throughout all of my courses, professor He taught psychology in an innovative way that I never experienced before. Often, he gave me lengthy notes and provided information out of the book by utilising stories. Throughout his storytelling, professor Rhoades would provide students with difficult information by paraphrasing it as if we were in middle school (British readers middle school is equivalent to senior school). Often, I would raise my hand, and he would say, “think of this as a middle school girl would”. Professor Rhoade's psychology jargon worked like magic for me most of the time. I felt very confident even when I performed at a level of a C because he would often joked with me about relaxing more and to stop internalising my grades. I couldn’t stop reflecting on my academic performance. All tests were long and required two to three hours to complete, and I had to adsorbed lengthy information. Sometimes, I would confuse his test questions with other information from other classes. When receiving my grades, I became angry with myself for being stupid and spending all of my time studying hard only to have earned a B or C.
In my sophomore year, there were students’ rumours of us having a new psychology professor and he graduated from Harvard University. Older psychology students were informing the younger/newer students to be prepared. They would often, tell us how intensive his tests were and that even the smartest student would fail his exams, if we didn’t study. I tried to avoid him for fear that I would fail all of his assessment tests. However, after being advised by my academic advisor that I would have to take his courses, my avoidance of the Harvard man was short-lived. During my first meeting with the new professor, I discovered that he was extremely intelligent and humorous. He had begun his introductory by suggesting that we (students) could call him Bill or anything. Additionally, he said he was the only true African in the room. My friends and I looked confused because he’s Caucasian, Dr. Bill laughed. He told us that he was born in Africa and spoke a few different languages. We eventually laughed because we realised that culture wasn’t defined the same as racial identity. Throughout his lectures, most students weren’t comfortable calling him by his first name, so I referred to him as Dr. Faw.
Throughout his lectures, I often requested additional assistance in understanding because he usually 'spoke over my head'. He had a gift for “breaking down” complex information. When I received my test results, often I would earn a B or a C. I would study in the library hour after hour, until one day I was invited by other older psychology students to participate in their study group. We were like a family. We would quiz each other over Dr. Faw's and professor Rhoade's complicated materials. I could remember on one occasion that our study group had over ten students which was over half of the class. I would have to use the library’s dictionary along with my text book and notes to gain insight in understanding. We engaged in healthy competition through encouraging each other to perform well. I felt so comfortable that I wasn’t embarrassed by my speech deficit. Often, I had a presentation to present and I would get nervous and revert back to my childhood years of learning speech. My professors told me to not become too fixated on my speech but to slow down and speak clearly.
I wanted a job and started working at the college for the director of student activities until my junior—senior year. The director’s name was Elisabeth, and she often would help me with my speech by writing out the words so that I could review it. Additionally, she would say the words, so that I could hear how it was supposed to sound. By her action, I decided to take a few more communication courses such as voice and diction. In those courses, I learnt how to speak clearly and not stumble over my words. My professor's name was Dr. Wallace, and he taught me how to practice speaking and how to work with my tongue muscles. On any given day, Dr. Wallace would require 'on the spot' impromptu speeches and all students had to prepare for it in ten minutes or less. It enabled me to think quickly and decisively without fixating on mistakes.
After reflecting on gaining experiences within my field, I desired to work for one of my psychology professors but wasn’t able to work directly for any of them due to their having other student workers. However, professor Rhoades advised me on seeking alternative employment for another professor as a way to gain more experience. While researching university student jobs, I noticed that a vacancy was available in the biology department.
Dr. George’s student intern was graduating and she needed an assistant. I feared that my application will be rejected and that she wouldn’t perceive me as being suitable applicant due to me not being a ‘science major’. I decided to talk to her and she provided me with an opportunity to work for her. I took a few courses with her as well and to learn more about science. She knew that I didn’t like dissecting various parts of the specimens. I spend hours in the lab. Sometimes, I longed for the end of the day when I could return to my dorm room because I was exhausted and had to prove often to her that I was capable of being her student intern. As other biology students wanted my job. She gave me a break and afforded me the time to study for preparation before an exam.
In the classroom she would use humour to engage students and at times when we were stressed, she would pair us up into groups to practice reviewing the specimens and its functions. I recalled one day, I had several exams and she was concerned so she checked on me in the library to observe how I was doing and warned me to ‘slow down’ and take short breaks. She was a caring and an extremely positive professor whom had a gift for knowing how to use humour in a way that appear genuine and all ways at the right moment. Although I didn’t desire to change my major, I valued her opinion and eventually change work study positions but still continue to keep in touch with her.
Dr. Said was another great professor that I had. He too taught "over my head", which he would often paraphrase. He was a discipline professor that required total attention from students. Often, I would have to stay over and request additional instruction. As I was reviewing a few different specimens in the microscope, I noticed that all the specimens appeared to be similar. Dr. Said would smile probably trying to hold back the laughter, and he opened the text and explained the specimen and its body parts/ and its functions. As I looked closer at the specimen into the microscope, I was able to visibly identify the difference. Dr. Said would set-up his lab, and he would perform a practice activity. By doing so, he would be able to tell if I was truly being honest in agreeing with him that I knew the specimen. I couldn’t fool him, and Dr. Said would point at the text again and microscope and requested that I get to work. When I interacted with other biology majors, I became more respectful of their desire to be scientists. Often, the students would joke and wonder why I would be still looking into a microscope after class while they were studying in the library. My response would be that I had to work on my weakness. During class, the biology students would encourage me by explaining the difference between the specimens and how they were able to recall it during a lab exam.
Finally, I decided to challenge myself more. I took course overloads to combine my junior and senior year as one year. Of course, I had to get the approval of the academic dean and it was really hard to do. First, my transcripts were evaluated and then the dean asked me about my intention as to learn why I was rushing my college years. I told him that I needed to challenge myself. The truth was that I wanted to model the behaviour of an international student who had completed her degree in three years. If I could do it, then I would be proving to myself that I have some type of intelligence or at least appear to have a working brain; however, I wasn't totally honest with him. After stating that, he smiled at me and told me that I’ve already proven that I could do college work, and he agreed and had approved one academic overload. Finally, he told me that he would be monitoring my progress (because he was more concerned with my health and cautioned me to slow down). After completing a few science courses, I had to go back to the dean and request another overload. He reviewed my transcript again, listened to my rationality, and agreed to sign it. However, he cautioned me on rushing through college once again. Did I listen to his words of wisdom? No, I have something to prove to myself. On my way leaving his office, I ran into another one of my professors. He asked me why I was such in a hurry to graduate, and then he told me that the world would provide me with much experience in time, so that I should slow down and enjoy my college years before it ended.